This is a collection of tasteful Jewish Jokes. If you have any to submit, email them to me.
Jokes designated with * are the best jokes.
* How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Talmudic reference to light bulb.
* Two pigs were talking and one said to the other,"Wouldn't this be a great world if everyone was kosher?"
* A rabbi falls down a hole in the forest. When he lands at the bottom he discovers a subterranean world populated by little people called "trids." He asks them why they never climbed out of the hole and they tell him there's an awful troll at the top who kicks them back down every time they try. Well, the rabbi decides to try to climb out anyway. When he gets to the top, sure enough, there's the awful troll. He askes the troll, "Are you going to kick me back in the hole?" The troll replies, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids."
The Goldbergs went to pay their respects to their good friend who had just died. They filed past the coffin. "How good he looks," remarked Mrs. Goldberg, "how relaxed, how tanned, how healthy!" "And why not?" replied Mr. Goldberg. "He just spent three weeks in Miami."
Why did the Angel of Death smite the first--born of the Egyptians, but pass over the homes of the Jews?
They were in the Non-Smoting Section!
Things are going badly for Israel. The economy is in a tail spin, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over. Problems, problems, problems, but what to do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. After several hours of talk without progress one member stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, the solution to all our problems. "What?" We'll declare war on the United States. "Every one is shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!" "Hear me out!" says the minister. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over. "Sure," says another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
* A Jewish man went for a walk in the woods. Suddenly, a 7-foot-tall bear appeared and approached him along the path. The man was petrified and began praying fervently for deliverance. The man noticed that the bear stopped, put on a kippah, and began praying. As the man approached the bear with an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he heard the bear conclude his prayer with: "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen"
Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
The first Jewish astronaut returned from a six week space shuttle mission in which he had orbited the earth every four hours. "So, how do you feel?" the reporter asked. "Exhausted," replied the astronaut. "Do you know how many times I had to say shachris, mincha, and maariv?"
"I'll never understand this crazy English language," he sighs. "It says right here in the text book that a tv antenna draws waves. Just yesterday I read that a clothesline waves drawers!"
It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study. "Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?" The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied."That's too bad. A cow has fallen in the lake and she is going under," Moshe continued. "Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time without looking up from his studies. "Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast. "Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do? "And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said. "Why me?" said the rabbi looking up. "It was your cow."
The Doctor finished his examination and informed the patient that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?" the patient moaned. "I'm not worried about your headaches," the doctor replied. "If you had my headaches I wouldn't worry about them either."
* The waiter serves his customer a whitefish. As he's walking away he overhears his customer talking to the fish. Soon the customer is deep in conversation with his lunch. "So what's the deal here," says the waiter. "You plan on eating it or taking it home and marrying it? "We're just schmoozing," says the customer. "Turns out the fish is from Great Neck Bay. I used to live there. So I was asking him how things are back in Great Neck. "Sure, so what did he say?" asked the waiter. "He said, 'How should I know? I ain't been there in years!'"
In the middle of a sermon the new rabbi beckoned to the shammes. "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up." Let me tell you how it works," replied the shammes. "You put 'em to sleep. You wake 'em up."
* "Harvey, will you still love me when my hair is grey?" "I've loved you through blond, brunette, red and every other color. Why not grey?"
The rabbis of Chelm decided they had a problem when half the inmates of their prison claimed they had been wrongly convicted. So they built a second prison. Now they have one for the guilty and one for the innocent.
The teacher asked her prize student, "So Moshe, what does two plus two make?" "Buying, or selling?" Moshe replied.
* A man is walking through a forest pondering life. He walks...ponders...walks...and ponders. He feels so close to nature, and even close to God, so close he feels that if he spoke God would answer. So he says, "God, are you listening?" And God replies, "Yes my son, I am here." So the man stops and ponders some more. He looks towards the sky and says, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replies, "Well, my son, a second to me is like a million years to you. "So the man continues to walk and ponder...walk and ponder. Then he looks to the sky and again says, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little. "So the man looks down, ponders a bit, then looks up to the sky and says, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replies, "In a second."
A congregant asked his rabbi, "Why is it, Rabbi, that I always find you, a man of God, talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?" "You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the rabbi replied. "And what principle is that?""People like to discuss things they know nothing about."
The Chelmites built their train station three miles out of town. They wanted to make it closer to the trains.
Shlomo had never been in an automat before. He stood feeding the apple pie slot with coins until his friend Moshe tried to stop him. "Shlomo, you fool, stop! You have eight pies already." "So what do you care if I keep winning?"
"My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a physicist." "My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is president of an insurance company." "My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law firm and president of the bar association." "My son," says Mrs. Miller, "is a rabbi." "A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?"
The diner was not happy with his meal. So he called the waiter over. "I've tasted fresher fish," said the customer. "Not in here," returned the offended waiter.
What do you call a Torah with a seat belt? A Safer Torah!
Two five year-olds are playing in a sandbox. One is Jewish, the other is Catholic. The Catholic boy says to the Jewish boy, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!" To which the Jewish boy replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
A Texan visiting Israel meets a farmer there. The Texan asks him what he does. "I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?" asks the Texan. "Fifty meters in front, but almost a hundred meters out back. What about your farm?" The Texan tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property." "That's too bad," says the Israeli. "I once had a car like that."
* Four friends are sitting in a restaurant in Israel. For a long time, nobody says anything. Then, one man groans, "Oy." "Oy vey," says a second man. "Nu," says the third. At this, the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "If you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving!"
A rabbi was asked why Jews always answer a question with another question. "Why not?" he said.
In Chelm the inhabitants go to the dentist to have wisdom teeth put in.
What does the robber say while robbing a Lubavitch bank? Give me loot, hasidim!(Gimilut chasidim)
A Jew and a Japanese man decide to open a restaurant. They name it "Sosueme."
Back in the 30's, all of the Jews in Prague were moved into ghetto. They were not happy about this at all, but what could they do? A few years later, the rulers of the country decided to close the ghetto and make all of the Jews move out. The Jews were very angry, but didn't know what to do, so they asked the wisest man in the town, the Rabbi. The Rabbi decided that to convince the rulers of Prague to let them stay, they would have to get the Pope's support. They set off for Rome the very next day, and when they arrived, they were immediately given an audience with the Pope.Since the Pope didn't speak Hebrew, or Yiddish, or even Czech, and the Rabbi didn't speak Latin or Italian, they had to speak in Sign Language.. This is how the conversation went.The Pope held up 1 finger. The Rabbi held up 3. The Pope held up 1 finger. The Rabbi held up 1. The Pope held up an orange, and the Rabbi held up a piece of Matzah.Afterwards, the Pope said to his Cardinals, "Boy that Rabbi is a smart man.. Let me tell you how our conversation went. I held up 1 finger, signifying we were both 1 people, and he held up 3 fingers, representing the trinity, showing that we were different. I held up 1 finger, showing that even though were we different, we still both prayed to one God, and he held up 1 finger, showing that Jews were the 1st to do so. I then held up an orange, showing that the world is round, and that there is room for all religions on it, and he held up a piece of Matzah showing that people once thought that the world was flat. What a smart guy that Rabbi is!" The Rabbi also had a few thoughts about the Pope. "Boy that Pope is one weird guy! I don't understand him at all. He held up 1 finger, saying that we had 1 day left in Prague. I held up 3, saying 3 days! He held 1 finger saying, "No! 1 day!". I held up 1 finger saying, 'OK, 1 day'. Then he took out his lunch, so I took out mine.. I don't understand him at all.".
* You're at a Jewish wedding... how can you tell if it's Orthodox, Conservative, Reform or Reconstructionist? In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. In a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Reform wedding the Rabbi is pregnant, and in a Reconstructionist wedding, both brides are pregnant!
A Jewish guy is hiking, alone, in the Great North Woods. Suddenly comes upon a major grizzly bear. The bear spots the guy and raises up to his full 10-foot height. The guy has the major yickes and starts praying: "Ribono shel olam, I got some real tsuris here, I need help, what can I do, what can I do?" The guy glances up at the bear and-what do you know? The bear is bowing and shucking, too. The guy thinks: "A Jewish bear! Thank you G-d! Thank you G-d! Guy walks over, hand out, to introduce himself to the bear. Just then, the bear is finishing his prayer: "xhamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. Omein!"
A Jewish President calls mom and asks her to come to the White House for a Passover Seder. She would rather not and refuses to go. The President; her son; says she will get Secret Service escort and a ride in Air Force One - just pack a bag. Eventually she agrees to come to the Passover Seder. At the curbside with her luggage, waiting for the Secret Service, her neighbor asks; "So; where are you going?" "You know my son the doctor; I'm going to his brothers house."
Sam and Joe are taking a walk, when they come upon a church. A sign says "CONVERT AND RECEIVE A THOUSAND DOLLARS". Sam says "You stay here. I'm going in to convert. "Some time later, he comes back out. Joe says, "Well, did you get the thousand dollars? "Sam says, "What's the matter? It that all you people think about?"
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him cooly and replied "With whom?"
An American Jew and Chinese man are sitting in a bar. Suddenly, the Jew pulls the Chinese guy off his stool and punches him. The Chinese guy, obviously startled, exclaims "What did you do that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor!", said the Jew. "That was the Japanese, not the Chinese," said the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same", said the Jew. And both men sat back down at the bar. A short time later, the Chinese man suddenly pulls the Jew off his stool and punches him. "What was that for?", asked the Jew."That was for the Titanic," the Chinese guy said."What? My people had nothing to do with that," said the Jew. The Chinese guy replied, "Iceberg, Hirshberg, Blumberg, you're all the same".
* Two guys are stranded on an island in the middle of the south pacific. One is desperately trying to build a bonfire, the other sits on a log and watches. "C'mon and help me build this fire or they will never find us!" The other replies, "Hey, I gave 50 thousand dollars to the UJA last year. Believe me, they'll find us!"
There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor little dog. PLEASE help me." The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do." So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic and opened up to a page and pointed to a word. A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You changed my life!" The Rabbi asked, "what did I do that helped so much?" So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?" "Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?" So the man replied, "chapter 11"
A priest had mice in his church. He didn't know what to do! So he went to his friend the Rabbi who he know had mice problems earlier but no longer did. The priest asked, "Rabbi how did you get rid of the mice and make sure that they wouldn't come back?" The Rabbi answered, "I Bar Mitzvahed them."
* A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins. The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception." The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the fetus is viable away from the mother's womb." The rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."
"I guess I'll never understand American audiences," complained George Burns. "I tell a joke about Sammy Davis being Jewish and the people become hysterical. Yet, I've been Jewish all my life and it never once got me a laugh."
How do we know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? He got shot in the temple.
Once there was a maggid, an itinerant preacher, who traveled from town to town in a horse drawn cart with no companion other than his faithful driver. This maggid was very wise and learned and would always end his sermon by fielding questions. People would ask him questions involving obscure and profound talmudic reasoning, but no matter how difficult the question, the maggid's agile mind always produced a learned answer equal to the question. One day the maggid's driver said to him, "I have traveled with you for many years, heard you preach and heard you field every imaginable question, and though I haven't your learning or wisdom, I think that I could deliver a sermon and field the questions as well as you. It has long been my dream to stand up there and preach like you. The next town we are going to is one we've never been to before. If we traded clothes, no one would no that I wasn't the preacher and you the driver. Just this once, let me try."The maggid agreed and when the driver preached he did indeed preach an excellent sermon. When it came time for the questions the driver found himself fielding every kind of question. That is, until a young boy asked a question that he had never heard before. It was such a profound and complicated question that the driver had no idea how to even begin to answer."Well," said the driver turned maggid, "I can't believe anyone would ask such a question. That question is so simple that even my driver can answer it." "Driver!" he yelled out. "You heard the question. Now come up here and answer it!"
A middle aged Jewish woman goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it takes her months of hardship to track down this guru. When she finds him he is in the middle of some kind of ritual which lasts for days and the guru's followers won't let her see him. Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. She stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to come home!"
Moshe and Shlomo are walking down the street when it starts to rain, and no little sprinkle either but a real shower. It just so happens that Moshe is carrying an umbrella. "Nu," says Shlomo. "So when are you going to open the umbrella." "It won't do us any good," says Moshe. "It's full of holes." "So why then did you bring it?" says Shlomo. "Because," Moshe says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."
The wise men of Chelm got together one night to try to solve the problem of life. "What is the problem of life?" they asked, and the more they thought about it the more they knew that the problem of life is that everyone has worries. If people didn't have any worries, they reasoned then, then life would be easy. So the question remained, how to make an end of worries? Well they thought, why not hire somebody to do all the worrying so everyone else can have it easy? It would be a tough job, but they would pay the man well to make up for it. So they all agreed to chip in to pay someone 50 rubles a month to do all the town's worrying for them. Everyone was happy with this decision until someone point out the flaw. "Tell me," said one of the rabbis, the wisest of them all. "If the man is making 50 rubles a month, what has he got to worry about?"
The rabbi was so fond of playing golf. Every chance he would get, he would steal away to the golf course and shoot a couple of rounds. One year, on Yom Kippur, he just couldn't help himself. He had such a desire to play that day, and knowing that the course would be fairly empty, he decided to finish off the morning service and sneak off for a few quick rounds. As g-d looked down on the rabbi, one of his assistants gasped in horror. "My lord, how will you punish this rabbi for his dastardly deed?", he asked. "Watch and you shall see", said g-d. He pointed his finger toward the rabbi, and lo and behold, the rabbi shot a hole in one! G-d's assistant was astonished. "Is this what you call punishment?", he asked. "Watch again." was the response. And the finger of the almighty pointed toward the rabbi, and once again, a hole in one! "I am afraid I don't understand.", the puzzled assistant exclaimed. "What kind of punishment is this, allowing him to shoot the best game of his life?" G-d looked the young assistant in the eye and said "So- who's he gonna tell?"
A young man came to a rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I know I'm a fool but I don't know what to do about it." The rabbi retorted, "Son, if you know you're a fool then certainly you are no fool." "Then why does everyone say I am a fool?", asked the young man. "If", said the rabbi, "you yourself don't know why you're a fool but listen to others who say you are, then you surely are a fool!"
Two shlemiels are kvetching about life. One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is, death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not to have been born at all." "True," says his friend. "But how many men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
A philosopher, a Yeshiva bocher, went all over the world asking every religious leader "What is the meaning of life?". Finally he came to the Dalai Lama, and asked his question. The Lama replied, "Life is a fountain." "How profound," the young man said, "I've been all over the world and no one said 'life is a fountain." "You mean it isn't a fountain?" the Dalai Lama answered.
The Goniff's prayer: Thanks to The Lord that thieves, pickpockets, and swindlers are punished and jailed. Otherwise there would be so many of them that a poor man like me couldn't make a living.
The Shlemiel's prayer: God, oh blessed one, could you let me have 10,000 kopeks. As great as you are, you can do anything, I'm sure it would be no trouble. And besides, I promise, that if you let me have the money, I'll give half of it to charity. If you doubt me, you could give me 5,000 Kopeks and give the other half to charity yourself.
In the old country we were so poor that when mother sliced the beef it only had one side.
Q. What do you call a jewish water bed?
A. The Dead Sea
* A Chelmite scientist wanted to know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists, but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night thinking about it. Finally it dawned on them.
* A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos. Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp. The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the resturant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?" Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand." The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food." Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this restaurant? " "Yes I did," replied the Rabbi. "Did you see me order the food?" "Yes I did" said the rabbi. "Did you see me eat the food?" "Of course I did! Why do you think I barged in here?" "Well then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"
* Schwartz, a poor tailor, had two daughters, and he wanted to provide them both with lavish weddings but couldn't really afford it. One day in the temple, he was deep in prayer and asked God to help him find a way to give his first daughter a beautiful wedding. God whispered into his ear, "Make wide lapels.....make wide lapels....." So Schwartz the tailor started manufacturing hundreds of suits, all of which were made with wide lapels. These suits sold like wildfire and were the new rage, bringing Schwartz plenty of money to entertain many wedding guests with an opulent feast at his first daughter's wedding. A few years later, his second daughter was getting married and Schwartz was in temple again, praying to God to help him out. After much beseeching and pleading, God whispered, "Make narrow ties.....make narrow ties." So Schwartz started turning out thousands of narrow ties, which turned out to be the latest trend in men's neckwear. This brought him lots and lots of money and his second daughter was able to have a wonderful, expensive wedding, too. After his daughters were married, Schwartz the tailor went back to the synagogue and prayed to God, thanking Him for helping out. He was so grateful to God that Schwartz told Him he would be opening up a store and would name it "God and Schwartz" to honor him. Then he heard a little voice from God in his ear: "No......Call it Lord & Taylor!"
Version 2: A Jewish taylor moved to the United States and decided to start a taylor shop in his suburb. He named it "Schnider" meaning Taylor. He did alright, but one night he was praying to God and asked, "How can I have better business?" to which God replied, "Add my name to to your shop" so he renamed his shop "God and Schnider" and he did even better. In fact, he did so well, he decided to move to the city. In the city, he did not do so well, so again he prayed to God and asked, "God, I'm not doing well anymore, how can I make my store prosperous again?" to which God replied, "You must make your name more English for the city people." So he again renamed his store, this time to "Lord and Taylor."
There was once a Jewish pilot who was asked to test a plane for the military. On a test flight, when the test pilot started to take off, the wings fell off at the end of the runway. His boss was in a state of panic, and ordered that the wings be riveted back on. The next day when the pilot took off in the plane, something didn't feel right so he took the plane in for a landing. Just as the plane touched down, the wings fell off again along the rivet lines. Now his boss was over the edge. He no longer knew what to do, and the company would fold and he would be bankrupt if a solution could not be found. The test pilot told his boss that he would speak to his Rabbi and after Passover he would tell him what to do. When he returned to work he instructed the crew to make perforations in perfectly straight lines along both wings both on top and on the bottom. When his boss found out, he was furious. The next day was the military test. The pilot banked to the left and to the right, did loops and rolls and then brought the plane in for a perfect landing. Everyone was amazed that this plane with all the holes in the wings could fly and the military placed an order on the spot for the planes. As soon as they all left the boss asked his pilot what his rabbi had said. The pilot told him that the rabbi said to make the perforations and to pray to G-d every day. His boss wanted to know how the holes prevented the wings from breaking off in a straight line. His pilot answered with a question, "Have you ever tried to break a piece of matzo on the lines?"
A tourist is passing through Rome. While he's there, he decides he wants to see the Pope, and he actually gets an appointment with his holiness! While he's chatting with the Pope, he notices that on his desk are two phones, a red phone and a white phone. The tourist asks, "Excuse me, your holiness, but why do you have two telephones? "The Pope replies, "The red phone is so I can speak to the college of cardinals, and the white phone is so I can speak with God." "With God?" "Yes, with God. Would you like to speak to God?" "Why, yes, thank you. "So the tourist speaks with God for 20 minutes. After he hangs up, the Pope says, "I'm sorry, my son, but I'll have to charge you 250 American dollars for that call." The tourist figures, sure, why not? How often does he get to talk with God? He pays the Pope and then leaves. Continuing on his journey, the tourist travels through Israel. He wants to meet with the prime minister and gets an appointment. While he's chatting with the prime minister, he notices that on his desk are two phones, a red phone and a white phone. The tourist asks, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have two telephones?" The prime minister replies, "The red phone is so I can chat with Arafat, and the white phone is so I can speak with God." "With God?" "Yes, with God. Would you like to speak to God?" "Why, yes, thank you. "So the tourist speaks with God for another 20 minutes. After he hangs up, the prime minister says, "I'm sorry, but I'll have to charge you 25 American cents for the call." "25 cents?" "Yes, 25 cents." Then the tourist continues, "When I was in Rome, I met with the Pope and he had a phone just like this, and I spoke with God for the same amount of time, but there it cost 250 dollars. Why is it 25 cents here?" The prime minister smiled and replied, "Well, that was long distance. Here, it's a local call."
A married daughter calls her mother: "Hello Ma?" "Shirley darling, what's the problem?" "Oh Ma, I don't know where to start. Both of the kids have the flu. The fridge has just broken down. The sink is leaking. In 2 hours the Sisterhood is coming over for lunch. What should I do?" "Shirley darling, don't worry. I'm going to get on the bus and go into the city. Then I'll take the train out to Long Island. Then I'll walk the 2 miles from the station to your house. I'll take care of the kids, I'll cook a nice lunch for the sisterhood and I'll even make dinner for Barry." "Barry? Who's Barry?" "Barry, your husband!" "But Ma, my husband's name is Gary. Is this 555-2093?" "No, this is 555-2903." "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Every day a religious Jew was seen davening in front of the Western Wall in Jerusalem. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me, what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No, but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
An old rabbi was having a discussion with a young agnostic. The younger man told the rabbi, "According to Nietzsche, God is dead. "The rabbi thought for a moment, then replied, "According to God, Nietzsche is dead."
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset with a beagle? A: A bagel!
Two students were rooming together and they shared the cooking chores.
Sam: What's with the salami sandwiches? You promised to cook us a pot roast for tonight.
Moshe: I did! But the pot roast caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with the chicken soup.
A man in a New York restaurant asks the waiter if they serve wild rice. "No sir," replied the waiter. "But maybe we could take some tame rice and mish it around until it gets mad."
Sam, a real shlimazl approached his more successful brother Moshe for a loan. Moshe refused him of course. "But you have to give me the loan," said Sam. "Why?" said Moshe wearily. "Or maybe I don't want to know." "If you don't give me the loan I'll go into the hat business." "Nu, so what?" replied Moshe. "What do you mean 'so what?'" said Sam. "If a man with my luck went into the hat business, every baby in the country would be born without a head!"
A Chelmite happened by the creek in time to see his wife doing the laundry. He watched her take his shorts out of the basket, soak them in the river, beat them with a stick, and then repeat the process several times. After witnessing the fate of his shorts the man sent up a heart felt prayer. "Thank you, HaShem that I got out of them just in time!"
A old Jew was refused service in a restaurant. "We don't serve Jews here," said the waiter. "Don't let that bother you," replied the old man. "I don't eat Jews!"
Goldie and Harry are driving in San Francisco in their aged Oldsmobile and Goldie is driving. They are at the top of California street in the hilly and fancy financial district when the brakes fail. Goldie is pressing the brake pedal so hard it might go through the floor and she's nearly torn the hand break out by the roots as she weaves in and out of the cars at an ever increasing speed. "Oy Vay," she wails. "Harry, what should I do!!" "For God's sake," Harry screams. "Hit something cheap!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a Guernsey with a Holstein?
A: Goldstein who says "Nu?"
Avram, while working in the hot sun of the Negev, said to his son, working beside him, "It's hard, but we're making the desert bloom. It's a thousand percent better than the persecution we suffered in Russia. You're lucky to be born in Israel." "Lucky?" said his son, "You call this lucky?" "Ungrateful boy!" said Avram. "Moses walked for 40 years just to get here. This is the Promised Land!" "Did it ever occur to you," snapped his son, "that if Moses had just kept walking for a few more days we'd be living on the Riviera?"
A Moshe is walking down the street when the sky opens up and it begins to rain like crazy. The only shelter nearby is a store front church where a revival meeting is being conducted, but Moshe is desperate so he ducks into the church to wait out the storm. He takes a seat in the back and he soon finds himself enjoying the sermon. The preacher has a lot style with lots of colorful language and dramatic pulpit pounding. Moshe is just getting relaxed and comfortable when the preacher yells out, "Everybody who wants to go to heaven stand up!" The entire congregation stands except for Moshe who is just enjoying the show. "You in the back," yells the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven?" "Sure," says Moshe, "but what's the hurry?"
So this Shadchan is walking down the beach when a green slimy creature with three eye stalks and huge claws comes crawling out of the surf. The shadchan takes off running, then thinks about it and runs back. "Say," he yells at the monster, "have I got a girl for you!"
So Diogenes took a lamp and went in search of an honest man. But he never found one. When he got to New York someone stole the lamp.
A man goes to the doctor complaining about his eyesight. "Doctor, there's something wrong with my eyes," he says. "Everywhere I look I see blue and gold dots." "Hmmmmm," says the doctor, chin in hand. "Have you seen an oculist." "No," says the patient, "just blue and gold dots."
This schlemiel of a machinist gets to work and he's almost half an hour late. "You should of been here at 8:30," growls the foreman. "Why?" says the schlemiel. "What happened at 8:30?"
"You're in great shape," says the doctor. "You're going to live to be 70." "But I am 70," the patient replies. "Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
* The Tsar's army was in such desperate need of recruits that all of the students of a large Yeshiva were drafted en masse. As the students were being trained in how to shoot rifles they astounded their teachers with the consistent accuracy of their shooting. One bullet followed its brother like magic into the same hole in the center of the target. So, with great hopes, the students were formed into a single unit and marched off to the front. But when they got to the front the officer yelled, "ready ... aim ... fire!" and nothing happened. The enemy was advancing and the officer began to lose it. "Fire!" he yelled. "Fire, you idiots, fire!" Why won't you fire?" "Can't you see?" spoke up one of the boys with calm logic. "There are people out there. Someone might get hurt."
The shtetl was very poor. The people could hardly pay their rabbi. In fact, excepting that the rabbi was a very pious man who fasted twice a week, he would have starved.
After a philosophy lecture a particularly difficult student stood up and declared, "Professor Greenberg, you have destroyed everything I believe in, but you have given me nothing to take its place." "Young man," the professor responded, "you will recall that as one of the labors of Hercules, he was required to clean out the Augean stables. He was not, let me point out, required to refill them."
"What is it you are praying for?" asked the rabbi's wife. "That the rich should give beggar alms to the poor," said the rabbi. "Do you think God has heard your prayer?" "I'm sure God has heard at least half of it," said the rabbi. "The poor have agreed to accept."